Live a Happy and Full Life! (No Plan Required)
Our western, America-centric culture is very big into establishing goals, dreams, plans and accomplishments. And not just for your professional life, but in every aspect of your life! I lived much of my 20s with the expectation that I should have a single spaced, bullet pointed, rehearsed 5 year plan for my personal, relational, professional, physical, mental….(did I miss any?) life. This “business model” way of living can have benefits in motivating you to take the next steps, but overall, running your life like your own CEO often leads to feelings of shame, overwhelm and discouragement. Because life is unpredictable, we will inevitably get off track and when we do, and the 5 year plan becomes the 14 year plan and the job you thought you wanted actually is terrible and the cost of living becomes so high you can’t afford it and your health won’t allow it and the dating scene is unforgiving and… and… and…our carefully curated expectations fall dreadfully short of reality, leaving us with feelings of failure. These feelings lead to the belief that we are not good enough. And if we’re not good enough now, our natural thought is that we likely will never be. This spiral is catastrophic to our motivation to push forward and can easily lead to depression and anxiety. It’s okay to have goals and direction in life, but don’t grip them so tightly. You don’t have to have your entire life mapped out in order to live the life you want to live!
An alternative to focusing on specific goals is to focus on your core values. What is important to you? What provides natural motivation and excitement in your life? Some examples of values are: adventure, family, compassion, health, wealth, peace and spirituality. By living in our values we are able to recognize that our life can take many unexpectant turns and still be fulfilling. This perspective also makes it easier to make decisions and alleviate the pressure we might feel to have our life road mapped. Not sure if you should take the job? What are your values? Would taking this job be in alignment with what is important to you? Or are self and societal imposed expectations winning out?
The same advice can be given to those who feel stuck in life and feel they have no goals or direction. Give yourself grace by discovering the core values of your life and then figuring the rest out along the way. To continue the road map metaphor one step further, let’s say your “value” is to visit the beach but you’re not exactly sure on the specifics. You might not have the journey or destination figured out, but if you step outside your front door, your best bet is probably to head south…because the south has a lot of beaches. These steps bring you closer to your value of being near a beach than if you were to start driving north toward Canada. When we make decisions that are rooted in our values we find that it’s often not a decision of what is right or wrong, but is instead between going left or right. Your exact destination and specifics can be figured out along the way, but when you start in the right direction, you set yourself up to live a happy and fulfilling life.
Knowing our values also helps protect us from the thief of comparison. When we don’t know who we are, it is easy to find ourselves aligning with the expectations of others. Follow enough travel influencers on Instagram, and you’ll quickly find yourself assuming that your life will not be complete without that solo backpacking trip across Europe. But maybe travel and adventure, although enjoyable, aren’t your core values. Maybe your time, resources, and energy would be better invested towards what really matters to you in life. Be mindful of the fact that everyone has different core values and motivations in life; you don’t have to feel “less than” because your life looks different than theirs.
Many people find that their values have been built according to what they do instead of the inverse. The foundation of who you are should be built upon your values, not the other way around. Not sure how to discover your values? Therapy can be a great place to start. It’s amazing what can be discovered when you set aside time in a safe space to talk and reflect.
For further explorations, here is an example List of Values: https://brenebrown.com/resources/dare-to-lead-list-of-values/
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