Change the Way You View Conflict For a Happier and Healthier Relationship

If you want a happy and healthy relationship, the way you view conflict needs to change. Most people enter into relationship counseling because they recognize the need for better communication and conflict management skills. Couples have failed on their own to resolve conflict in their relationship because they seek to eliminate it or avoid it completely. Conflict in long-term committed relationships is inevitable and trying to oust it from your relationship will leave you feeling defeated and frustrated. Research by relationship specialist John Gottman proves that 69% of problems in a relationship are unsolvable (Gottman, 2023). If you are like the majority of people and have argued with the goal of solving the problem, most of your arguments have been counterproductive.(Yes, you read that correctly.) So, if our goal isn’t solving the problem, what is even the point of conflict?    

Fixing a problem sounds like a helpful response to conflict, right? However, because we are human, we naturally believe that our solution is the best solution. And logically, if we have the best solution to the problem, then we need to convince our partner of it too! We might enter into the conversation with good intentions, but we end up using our best manipulation tactics to change the other person’s mind to match our own. This results in a conversation filled with relationship-destroying qualities affectionately termed by Dr. Gottman as “The Four Horsemen” (Gottman, 2007).  They are: criticism, contemptment, defensiveness and stonewalling.

Instead of trying to fix the problem, change your goal in conflict to one of understanding. When we put our agenda on the backburner and place understanding front in center, how we communicate will naturally shift. We stop trying to convince our partner that they are wrong and we start trying to see the validity of their beliefs from where they stand.  A successful argument is not always one that has found the one right solution or even ends where you both agree. A successful argument is one where both of you leave the conversation feeling understood and validated even if you have different perspectives on the subject.

“A successful argument is one where both of you leave the conversation feeling understood and validated even if you have different perspectives on the subject.”

Conflict with the goal of winning can sound like:

“It’s not my fault you took it that way, that’s not what I meant.”

“That doesn’t even make sense.” 

“I can’t believe you ____.” 

“You’re not even listening to what I’m saying.”

“What’s wrong with you?” 

“You need to ____.”

Conflict with the goal of understanding can sound like:

“I can see why what I said came across as hurtful.”

“That makes sense, I get it.”

“I’m having difficulty understanding where you’re coming from, can you explain it again to me?”

“Is there anything else you’d like to say?”

“I need ____.” 

This paradigm shift in conflict will change your life and your relationship. From this foundation, positive communication skills will be more easily implemented and anxiety and stress surrounding conflict will begin to decrease. 

Relationships are made up of two people with different life experiences, beliefs, trauma, view points, feelings, etc. Because of this, conflict can be complicated: fIlled with triggers and opposing realities. A relationship or marriage counselor can help you navigate these complexities and learn how to communicate from a place of understanding. 

GOTTMAN, J. (2023). Seven principles for making marriage work. ORION SPRING. 

Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2007). Why marriages succeed or fail: And how you can make yours last. Bloomsbury Pub.

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