How is Shame Showing Up In Your Life?

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And if you, like me, grew up in America, you were taught to expect it. Maybe it was not a direct life lesson you received from your parents or teachers. But it most certainly surrounded you in advertisements, social interactions and expectations. This cultural mindset often makes its way into the expectations we have for our work and success in therapy: “get fixed quick”. I sometimes joke that if a client comes to see me in therapy three times, I will then give them the secret answers to life’s problems. A pretty good deal, right? Unfortunately, that is not how matters of the heart are healed. Instead, we must begin the long difficult and winding path towards wholeness. But, if we are truly committed to walking this path, there are steps we can take to help remove barriers that keep us from moving forward. The number one barrier to wholeness that I see? Shame. If you want to see results in therapy, you must first recognize the impact of shame in your life and intentionally seek to eradicate it.  

“If you want to see results in therapy, you must first recognize the impact of shame in your life and intentionally seek to eradicate it.”

I see shame a lot.

In myself and in every client. So what actually is it? Or, rather, what is it not? Our language often interchanges the words embarrassment, humiliation, guilt and shame. In her book, Daring Greatly, Brene Brown does an excellent job of clarifying these definitions to help us better understand shame. I’ve summarized the information below: 

Embarrassment- Embarrassment is the uncomfortable feeling of “cringe” that thankfully, doesn’t last very long. You fart in a quiet room, call someone by the wrong name, walk out of the bathroom with toilet paper on your shoe….”how embarrassing!” Although these aren’t situations that we enjoy going through, in the moments that bring embarrassment we can easily recognize others have likely endured something similar and can relate to our pain. Because of this, we are likely to share with others and eventually find humor in it. 

Humiliation- Humiliation is the feeling of anger and injustice when someone (usually someone of power) does something we feel we do not deserve. A boss calls you out in front of our coworkers, law enforcement unfairly gives you a ticket, a medical doctor makes harsh comments regarding your weight…”can you believe they did that?” ! In situations that bring humiliation, we recognize it is something underserved and are likely to confide in someone that can validate the injustice. 

Guilt- Guilt is the feeling of regret when we wish we would have made a different choice that aligns better with our values. You forgot to send your mom a birthday card, you responded to your child harshly, you talked poorly about a friend…”I wish I wouldn’t have done that.” The feeling of guilt can make us feel pretty miserable, but it ultimately pushes us to change our behavior in a positive way. 

Shame- Shame is the belief that we are flawed and unworthy. All the examples provided above have the potential to bring shame if we interpret the cause as our inherent failure. “These situations happened because I am an idiot, a failure, a bad mom/son/friend, not good enough.” Because we believe we are to blame, we are unlikely to share these experiences with others because they would obviously come to the same conclusion we did. 

Shame is a poison that shows up in every aspect of our life especially in the topics that arise in therapy. It’s the feeling of not being good enough and never going to be good enough. It is found in the constant list of unmet expectations we have for ourselves and buried in our strive for perfection. Shame is the biggest barrier in therapy because it directly opposes the truth that we can find wholeness. It convinces us that we are fundamentally broken and traps us in the fear that others will find out about it. 

“Shame is the biggest barrier in therapy because it directly opposes the truth that we can find wholeness.”

Shame isn’t something we’re born with, it is something that is learned! Ask a child to draw a picture of their family and they likely will with pride! Ask an adult to draw a picture of their family and, assuming they are not an artist, they will likely protest because they are not good enough to do it. We pick up on shame first from our family, then from our society. If shame can be learned over the course of our life, that means it can be unlearned with intentionality. 

The good news is that you’ve already started the process of unlearning shame! Awareness is always the first step to change. The more clearly we can define shame, the more recognizable it becomes in our life. The next step is to begin acting on the antidote to shame. The more we feel alone in our shame, the more it will grow. This leads to the symptoms that often brings us to therapy in the first place: depression and anxiety. We stop shame in its tracks when we share in an environment that is non-judgmental, empathetic and understanding. This is a very hard step, but it is one worth taking. 

“We stop shame in its tracks when we share in an environment that is non-judgmental, empathetic and understanding.”

You’ve already begun so let’s keep going! Schedule an appointment.

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